I’m feeling ok today.
I’m also feeling slightly weird that I’m feeling ok!
It’s been 20 years today since the light left my little girls eyes and we were left broken hearted. So much time has passed, yet it seems that it wasn’t so long ago. Shouldn’t I be a mess today? Significant day, significant number of years? It IS the day my daughter died after all!
I’ve been wondering how best to describe my ‘ok-ness’ today. I still miss Rhiannon so much – I have missed seeing her grow, her personality develop. I don’t know what she would have enjoyed doing, what her talents may have been, and what kind of young woman she would have become. My heart aches at times with a longing to know all these things.
And yet, today – I’m ok.
Don’t get me wrong. There will be tears. But not tears like there used to be.
No storms of grief that leave me feeling battered like I’ve been dashed on rocks by ferocious waves…
PLEASE! Somebody stop me!
I love metaphors around nature, and the images and understanding they can give – but I have to laugh at myself sometimes with the poetic drama that can appear sometimes once I start writing!
However, I will continue with the ocean waves and rocks metaphor to describe my ‘ok-ness’ – I’ll just try not to get too carried away J
Id love to get to the beach today. I wont get there, but it would be so nice to walk on the sand, soft, easy under foot, watching and hearing the waves break, rush up the beach and withdraw again. Ebb and flow. Over and over. Day after day, for time unknown.
Water is a powerful force. Given enough time it will wear down rock (thinking of the beautiful gorges we have in the north of Western Australia, the grand Canyon, and so many other iconic natural wonders formed by the action of water on rock)
That’s what sand is – worn down rock and shells. Over time, the action of the waves has broken the rocks into tiny pieces, smoothed the rough edges, which makes for a soft pleasant surface for us to walk on. Occasionally there may be the odd pebble buried under the sand that we may tread on that causes pain for a short time.
Grief can be like that. Over time it is worn down, softened, easier to move through. There are times where there might be a ‘pebble’ – a memory, an anniversary or birthday, or some moment that triggers the heartache.
The grief is always there.
Like the rocks, it has been broken down into smaller parts but it is still made of all the same elements.
It never goes away.
Time, and the action of life’s experiences after a loss wear the grief to soft gentle sand. Really soft sand can be hard slog to get through when its deep, but it doesn’t cause the same pain that rocks would.
Grief too, can be deep and hard going, but over time it no longer has the sharp edges and heaviness.
Other times the ‘sand’ will be firm and solid, easy to walk over.
That’s where I am today.
In spite of it being the anniversary of the worst day of my life, the grief is gentle. I feel sure of my footing; I’m not mired in deep ‘sand’ or trying to negotiate a path over rocks. Maybe tomorrow or another day I might get bogged down or stub my toe on a rock I didn’t see. Right now though I’m going to enjoy the easy walk on the soft sand.
I’m ok with being ok today.